True Self

I was thinking today what makes me me.
Is it the clothing I wear or what I want to look like or the attitude I have, is it the music I make or listen to, the things I like to do or who I want to be with. I could pass as a gamer, prep, mountain man, savvy metropolitan, avid reader writer, health nut, thespian, band geek, skater punk, Pot head, mature adult, care free teen, possession hoer, and religious snob.
The things I didn't list are passion, devotion, faith, grace, integrity, and the ability to see threw the red tape in a person.
I have worked in childcare, coffee shops, and lawn maintenance, on a farm. I have been a dishwasher and a cook, I have been a referee for youth soccer, and I have worked in a general store and lived in another country. I have been able to play music for 500 people and played for as little as 5 (including my 2 band mates), I have vision and dreams although they may be unfocused right now, I have potential and weakness. I have witnessed Godly wonders and felt like I was alone in the world. I have driven my car 120 mph and jumped off a 30 ft waterfall that looked like 200ft.
I don't have a style that I really stick to and I usually fail at putting together those 2000 piece puzzles. I like documentaries and all music. I love sports but I live in the real world where not everyone is the next big thing. I want a quiet life at times then the next day I want to live downtown Manhattan and have a night life. I want to have my own life to share and not live in my past, yet I want to bring the people of my past to where I am now and show them how good it is going to get.
I woke up this morning and started getting rid of things I didn't need, or really want, but I like to have nice things, that is something I don't understand. I am trying to save money but I'm always having trouble doing that. I graduated right in the middle of my class as far as GPA goes and was never the MVP for anything. I have partied and not remembered what happened the night before, I have faked my way threw things I ought not to have and put way to much of myself out for someone to see way to early, I have plagiarized quotes and claimed them as my own (mostly when I was trying to impress a girl). I have moved 800 miles from my home and not called back for months, I have missed birthdays of people I care about and bought presents at the completely wrong time of year. I have looked like a million bucks and a complete fool in the same 5 min; I hate critics and cranberry juice.
I have rejoiced and felt the most bittersweet feelings at the same time. I also have sneezed farted and burped at the same time, and I'm not dead. I have scared an elderly person and held a door open for an entire Asian family that must have consisted of 50 people.
I enjoy conversation and just sitting in the same room as someone I care about in complete silence. I have been too shallow and too deep. I have ran 3 miles in 20 min. and used 50 rolls or TP on my pastors house when he wasn't even home and let my best friend clean it up because she was house sitting. I have worked a 36-hour shift and blew all the money I got from it.
I have always wanted a TATTOO but never really decided want to get, I have made impulse decisions based on bad information or emotion and caused groups of people to have to clean up after me. I have ran from the police and not been caught, and been ticketed for feeding the homeless.
What does all this mean?
After 21 1/2 years of living what defines me.
I want to think its things I have done or seen, but that just doesn't seem right. Who cares what YOU have done, experiences do not define a person! At least I don't think so. But then what does, is it what you life for? Is it what you are going to do tomorrow or how you are going to talk to the next person that is rude to you?
I have always felt crossroads coming in my life, when I'm not happy where I am or when I'm just spinning my wheels. 21 with no real direction. I feel one coming now, not sure where its going to go or what’s going to come out of it but if feels good.
I know this is getting long so ill en it now,
But to be honest I really don’t thing we can define each other or even our self, God has made us in to such complex beings that I would bet there is not one person out there that could truly give a word that would make complete sense to another. We are not consistent. Maybe that’s the best word Inconsistent, I think that may fit me pretty well.
Anyway let me know what you think.

Looking Forward

i think this is going to be a great winter,
last winter there are are alot of things i would have done differently, one being not staying in my house because its so cold.
at hume there area a lot of quality people that really you just have to give the time of day to see that.
im excited because im going to expand myself this winter as a personal challenge. not look at people in judgment but look at them with opportunity to really gain solid people in my life. i feel like i haven't done that yet here, i was still looking to people back in Oregon, which i still will and the people there mean tons to me, but im not on Oregon and i don't want to be the hermit that stays to himself all winter
ill probably be writing a lot more of these too.

How do i do this,
Is something i have to wake up everyday and tell myself to do. and I fail consistently. I have been listening to John Piper lately and I right now am listening to Him talking about persecution.
we as Americans are so stuck up. people get bent out of shape when we are not allowed to post the 10 commandments in school or pray before class. witch tell me than America has this false view of what a christian is. the christian needs to. Satan wanted Job to think that in the midst of loss he would rely on his own strength and eventually fail. When something gets taken away and we curse God and we belittle Him we don't speak well to the world that God is out supreme treasure. we are punting our treasure in something or someone other then God. Satan wants this not to be known, Mostly in Job. That God is more valuable then Jobs Family. God is most glorified when you praise Him in the midst of Loss, Not Prosperity.
The Christian suffers.